I wonder
by Neko9
Summary: Bosco and Faith attempt to rebuild their relationship
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, I am simply borrowing them to do what I will with them.  
  
This story has been modified from its original version to meet rating criteria.  
  
Spoilers: Up to Crime and Punishment Rating: R Summary: Bosco and Faith attempt to rebuild their relationship following the events of Crime and Punishment 1&2  
  
I wonder  
  
There is something comforting about being married. Something comfortable about the security of having someone else in your life, the knowledge that you're never really alone.  
  
I often wonder if this is how Faith feels, if this is the reason she stays with him. Don't get me wrong, I know she loves him, he is after all the father of her children, but I also know she longs for something more.  
  
I wonder, (although fantasize would be a more accurate way of describing it), I wonder if Faith has ever considered me something more. I wonder if she's even though of me as anything other then her loud mouthed partner.  
  
*****  
  
  
  
It's been three weeks since my return to 55-david. Three weeks since I lied to Faith and three weeks since everything turned to shit.  
  
For as long as I can remember I wanted to get into ESU. I thought I'd made it, me, Maurice Boscorelli, working anti-crime, life couldn't get any better. I had the opportunity to prove I could do something useful. Prove to myself, my father, my superiors, but most of all prove to Faith, that I wasn't useless, that I could be somebody.  
  
I really should've known I'd manage to screw it all up somehow. I tend to do that a lot. Truth is, I'm not a very good judge of character. I've only known a few truly amazing people in my life, yet somehow, they're the ones I push away. The ones I'm drawn to are the screw-ups, first Hobert and now Cruz.  
  
I'm lucky though, Cruz was dismissed and is looking at a possible conviction, me, all I got was a reprimand and a permanent return to writing parking tickets and directing traffic. I still think she got the better end of the deal though, everyday I have to face my failures. Everyday I sit next to the only woman I've ever cared about and feel more alone then ever before.  
  
Faith and I really haven't spoken much in the last three weeks. I wonder how long it will take to rebuild our partnership. I wonder if we'll ever mend our friendship, and mostly I wonder if she'll ever know how much she means to me.  
  
"You've been quite tonight, everything alright?"  
  
I used to be annoyed when she worried. Tonight her concern makes me smile, something I haven't done in a while, three weeks to be exact.  
  
"Fine"  
  
I'm not sure why I can't tell her what's going through my head. Tell her I'm sorry, I wish I never left her, tell her I'll never leave again, beg her not to leave me, tell her how much I love her, but I can't, it's too soon for that, maybe it'll always be too soon.  
  
"Boz.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's nothing.forget it."  
  
"No, what?"  
  
"I just wanted to say... I'm, . I'm glad you're back"  
  
I stare at her; I wonder if I've heard her right.  
  
"Thanks, I mean...  
  
I don't know what I mean. I have no idea what to say to her so I smile. She takes this as confirmation that I understand.  
  
The rest of the shift continues in silence. I'm already changed by the time she's done with the paper work. I'm ready to leave, but I haven't. I feel like I'm waiting for her, even though I have no idea why, or what I'll even say to her when she gets here. I realize I've missed this, sure anti-crime is exciting, but this, this is home.  
  
"You're still here, I'd have thought you'd left by now."  
  
It's a statement but I can hear the question in her voice. I look up at her and stare openly. She looks me in the eye until the intensity becomes too much and I'm forced to look away, stare at my shoes, like they're the most interesting thing in the world.  
  
She moves to get changed. I can sense sadness in her, the slump of her shoulders, the tightness of her mouth. I wonder, not for the first time, if she'd ever let me be the one to erase that sadness from her life.  
  
"You want to grab a drink"  
  
I'm not even sure why I ask; I know she'll say no, she always does, but then again, I still always ask.  
  
"Sure"  
  
Her response catches me off guard and I find myself smiling again for the third time that night. She gathers her things and we make our way to my car. I know tonight won't be the night I confess everything to her, but it will be a start. 


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a rough couple of weeks, hell if I'm honest with myself, it's been a rough couple of months. Ever since Fred's heart attack, things have been tense between Boz and I.  
  
I often think I'm doomed to be unhappy. It's almost as if I'm leading two lives. In one I'm a mother and wife, and the other I'm a cop. It's not to say that I don't love being a cop, or a mother, or even a wife, it's just, the two rarely compliment one another. It's funny, for the longest time I came to work to escape my family life, now it seems it's the other way around.  
  
Despite the tension with Boz, I've really missed him. Hell I missed him even before he left to work in anti-crime. He's really lucky he didn't lose his job. I thought for sure he would. I'd really like to be able to blame this entire situation on that bitch Cruz, but I know I'm partly to blame.  
  
I think tonight was the first night Boz and I have spoken in the three weeks he's been back. I know he's sorry, he knows I'm sorry, we just can't seem to speak the words. Even if we could, forgiveness would still be a long time coming. Still, we've made a small hole in the ice, so it's a start.  
  
I'm startled to see Boz sitting in front of his locker. I didn't expect him to still be here.  
  
"You're still here, I'd have thought you'd left by now."  
  
I meant that to come out a little less pathetic then it sounded. Boz doesn't seem to notice, in fact he's staring at me, I begin to feel weak but I still manage to look him in the eye.  
  
He looks away first, something I'm thankful for, I didn't think I could endure the hurt and guilt I saw in his eyes any longer. I begin changing to go home, although for some reason the thought of going home saddens me.  
  
"You want to grab a drink"  
  
Now that's a surprise. I can tell by the look on his face that he expects me to decline. I don't though, I'm not even sure why, I should go home, but I need this, we need this.  
  
"Sure"  
  
I've managed to throw him off guard but he looks pleased. I grab my coat and we walk out to his car.  
  
We drive to a small dingy out of the way place. It's dark and crowded but we somehow manage to find a table in the corner, away from the noise and smoke.  
  
Neither of us speaks until the silence is broken by the approach of our waitress. I can tell she's young but she seems older, worn almost. I wonder if I look worn now. We order a couple of beers, domestic, and the silence continues.  
  
"So, how are you?"  
  
I know it's a stupid thing to say the minute it's left my mouth but I can't think of anything else right now and I know someone needs to say something.  
  
"I'm OK, you?"  
  
The look he's giving me expresses everything I feel, all the hurt, confusion and loneliness I know must be reflected on my own features.  
  
I've decided I've had enough of playing games and come right to the point.  
  
"You didn't ask me for a drink so we could make polite conversation Boz"  
  
There is a brief pause before he responds but I know he expected no less from me.  
  
"No, I just thought, hell Faith, I don't know what's going on anymore, I just want things to go back to the way they were. You're my best friend and partner and I need that back."  
  
His honesty frightens me and I'm not sure why. This is after all what I wanted but it's too much. My response is delayed with the arrival of our drinks. I take a long drink before I say something I'll regret.  
  
"You lied to me"  
  
Too late, guess the alcohol didn't help. I want to take it back, I know I've struck a nerve but my anger has gotten the better of me. His expression changes from guilt to anger and I know I've screwed up.  
  
"It's not like you've never lied to me Faith"  
  
His tone's angry but his eyes are full of sadness.  
  
"I know, and I'm sorry."  
  
His expression softens and I'm relieved beyond words. I don't want to fight anymore, I just want my partner back.  
  
"Me too, ..God Faith I fucked up so bad, I'm so sorry."  
  
I can never resist that wounded puppy dog look he gives me. He knows this and I wonder if he's doing it intentionally. I feel a sense of calm come over me and realize it's going to be OK, we're going to be OK.  
  
I reach across the table and take his hand. The move surprises me as much as it does him, but he smiles and I can't help the grin that breaks out on my face.  
  
We finish our beers in a silence that is once again comfortable. I let him drive me home and when I leave his car I feel the return of happiness that has been missing for months. 


	3. Chapter 3

God I love chasing down a perp. There is something so exhilarating about running down some jag off, the blood pumping, the heart racing and the adrenalin soaring. But nothing, nothing compares to taking him down.  
  
I'm just getting the guy cuffed as Faith pulls up in the RMP. She gets out and gives me her lopsided grin and I smile back. Things have been good between us, really good. It's been almost a month since that night in the bar. I can still remember the feel of her hand in mine. Hell, I can even imagine what those hands would feel like on more inappropriate parts of my body.  
  
The perp I'm loading into the backseat spits at me and I'm dragged away from my most recent Faith fantasy. I wipe it away and look up to see her laughing at me, God she's so beautiful when she laughs. I have this sudden urge to kiss her but I shrug it off.  
  
*****  
  
It's been a long shift and the thought of going home is less then appealing. Have I mentioned that I'm destined to be unhappy? It almost seems as though some higher power wants me to choose between my husband and my partner. When things are good with Boz, they're bad with Fred, things are good with Fred, they're bad with Boz. It's so frustrating I want to scream.  
  
If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit, I prefer things to be good with Boz. Fred and I fighting is normal, I'm used to it, hell I even expect it, and as awful as it sounds, it doesn't bother me. Fighting with Boz is like losing oxygen, I can't breath, I can't think, everything becomes dark and scary.  
  
I have this sudden impulse to ask Boz out for a drink, delay the inevitable, hell just be near him for a few minutes more.  
  
"I'm kinda wound, you wanna go do something, you know let off some steam?"  
  
He gives me this look and I'm half expecting a lewd comment. I can see him struggle to restrain himself and for some reason I'm disappointed when he remains quiet.  
  
" Sure, I could use a drink, you gotta call Fred?"  
  
I cringe at the mention of my husband and Boz catches it. He gives me a funny look so I shrug.  
  
"Nah, he'll be fine."  
  
Boz smiles at this and I wonder if he's glad I'm not calling home first.  
  
*****  
  
I think this is the one of the first time ever Faith has invited me out for a drink. Regardless, the occasions are rare. For some reason we end up in the same bar I brought Faith to almost one month ago, it somehow seemed appropriate.  
  
The waitress recognizes us and asks if we want the usual. I momentarily wonder how slow this place must be for her to remember our drink orders. The thought passes and I look over to Faith.  
  
"I could deal with something a little stronger tonight, maybe a shot or something"  
  
I'm surprised by her request. I guess I didn't realize this was a getting trashed event. I instantly become concerned but tell the waitress to bring us a couple shots of whatever's on hand. It really doesn't matter what you're drinking when the only purpose is getting drunk.  
  
"You OK?"  
  
"Yeah, just in the mood for drinking."  
  
"You and Fred fighting again?"  
  
"Yeah, it's no big deal, it'll pass."  
  
Our shots arrive and before I've even finished paying the waitress Faith's finished hers and is requesting another.  
  
"Faith are you sure getting drunk's the answer here?"  
  
She doesn't answer me at first but instead gets this far away look in her eyes. Instantly I know it is a big deal, I want more then anything to make things right.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with me Boz, why can't I manage to juggle work and my family life? I mean, I try, God knows I try, I just can't seem to get it together."  
  
"Faith, you are an amazing Mom to those kids and a great cop, you do better then most."  
  
"Maybe"  
  
The conversation is dropped, the look on her face brooks no argument. She takes her next shot and I'm instantly drawn to her mouth. The desire to kiss her comes back tenfold.  
  
She looks down into her empty glass and a strand of hair falls into her face. Without thinking I reach up and tuck it behind her ear. She looks up startled and I'm tempted to tell her everything I've kept hidden from her for so many years.  
  
*****  
  
Boz is looking at me again, that stare he gets sometimes. I've tried to decipher it but I think I might be scared of the answer I'll find. There's music playing on the jukebox and I wonder if I should ask Boz to dance. The thought makes me giggle and Boz shoots me a dirty look.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing, I just. you wanna dance, maybe?"  
  
*****  
  
Did she just ask me to dance? I must have been staring at her for longer then I thought. She looks embarrassed and mumbles a quite "never mind".  
  
"Yeah, I could dance."  
  
I don't think she was expected that and I notice she's now blushing. I wonder if it's the alcohol or something more.  
  
I've danced with Faith once before but never to anything slow. I'm trying desperately to keep calm but I feel like I'm a kid crushing on the girl with the pigtails in the second grade.  
  
Faith and I move surprisingly well together. She feels good here, right. Her scent surrounds me and her warmth is intoxicating. I don't think I've ever been this hard in my life and I wish, for the umpteenth time, that she wasn't married. 


	4. Chapter 4

The song ends as soon as it began and I find myself back at the table. I didn't realize the effect dancing with Boz would have on me. I decide I've probably had too much to drink and when the waitress returns I order water. Boz looks over at me and I can see the question in his eyes.  
  
"Think I'll slow down a little."  
  
"Probably a good plan."  
  
At that moment I realize I'm not happy with Fred, I honestly don't think I have been for a while, nor will I ever be again. I wonder if this makes me a bad person. I know Fred and I have had our share of problems, but I think they're mostly my fault. Don't get me wrong Fred's hardly the perfect husband, but I've spent most of our marriage looking for his faults, it's no wonder I can find them.  
  
When Fred had his heart attack I was scared shitless. When he made his recovery I thought we'd have a second chance. Turns out Fred being giving a second chance changed him, made him a better person, more caring, more understanding. I should be thrilled but I'm not. The truth is, I like being the strong one in our marriage. I like being the one who pays the bills, handles the tense situations and picks up the pieces when things get bad. I like Fred being the screw up. I guess that does make me a bad person.  
  
"Faith, earth to Faith."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You kinda zoned out on me there, you OK?"  
  
"Sorry, I think maybe I should head home."  
  
*****  
  
I'm more then a little disappointed but I'd do anything for the woman, so if she wants to go home, I'll take her.  
  
"Come on, I'll give you a lift."  
  
"It's OK, I can walk."  
  
"Like hell, come on."  
  
"Alright."  
  
I'm surprised she's given in so quickly, I was really expecting an argument. I'm once again concerned. I lead her out to the car, she's a little wobbly but we make it. I think she's had six shots to my one.  
  
The ride is made in silence, something I've become used to. I pull up in front of her building and wait for her to say goodnight. She doesn't, she doesn't even make a move to leave the car. I look over at her and see tears in her eyes, it breaks my heart and I feel the sudden need to pull her into my arms and tell her everything is going to be OK.  
  
I don't, hell I'm not sure everything is going to be OK, I have no idea what's going through her head right now and that frightens me.  
  
"Can I stay with you tonight?"  
  
She asks so quietly I'm not sure I didn't imagine it. She looks frightened and I realize she did ask. I feel my heart races and I'm temporarily at a loss for words.  
  
"Sure"  
  
It comes out croaked and I wonder if I've made the right decision. I don't want to be a selfish person but I am. I need Faith more then I've ever needed anything and at this moment I don't care that I could be tearing a family apart.  
  
I put the car in drive and we slowly make the way to my apartment. Once we arrive, Faith hovers behind me as I unlock the doors and flip on a light. The place is a mess and I realize my home reflects my life. I suddenly become self-conscience and wonder what the hell I'm doing and how we are ever going to get out of this.  
  
"You want some coffee or something?"  
  
"No, I don't really know what I want."  
  
She sits on my couch and stares straight ahead. I take a seat in front of her on the coffee table and wait for her to tell me what to do. Just when I think she's not going to open up she speaks.  
  
"How did life get so crazy Boz? All I wanted was to have a normal life, a good job, a happy marriage, and wonderful kids. Why does it feel like that's not enough, like I'm missing something?"  
  
"Passion?"  
  
I can't believe I just said that but it's too late to take it back. I can tell from the look on her face that she can't believe I said it either. I look into her eyes and realize that she knows. I think maybe on some level she's known all along.  
  
I'm past the point of reason and have stopped listening to my conscience. I lean forward a press my lips lightly against hers. If possible, she's even softer then I imagined. I notice her eyes close and I do the same. The kiss intensifies and I become lost in the taste that is Faith.  
  
I stand and pull her off the couch. We've somehow managed to accomplish this without breaking contact. I lead her to the bedroom and I know there is no turning back from this. She shivers and I know it's not from the cold. I break away and look her in the eye, give her one last chance to back out. She smiles and I'm lost. 


	5. Chapter 5 conclusion

Faith's divorce has been finalized for three months now. I still can't believe she made it through that hell. Of course I really shouldn't be surprised, Faith's always been stronger then me.  
  
I glance over at Faith, she's curled up on my couch watching some old black and white movie. I'm still amazed that I have this wonderful woman in my life. She's perfection in human form and she's mine.  
  
I'm not sure how we got to this place but I know I wouldn't trade it for the world. Just the thought of living without her makes me.  
  
"Boz?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Are you narrating our life story again?"  
  
"No"  
  
The look she gives me is cold death.  
  
"Boz"  
  
"Maybe"  
  
"Well stop it, it really creeps me out!"  
  
"Yes Ma'am"  
  
God, she's so cute when she's angry.  
  
"Bosco!" 


End file.
